Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My teenage children choosing violence
stand with me against insufficient seating
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.