Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

*performs CPR on the turkey*

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.