Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

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*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy


Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying


Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”


This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.


“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses


KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer


me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!


her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean


My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix


A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.


I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.