@faizziy

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

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@ruinedpicnic

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy
Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE

@gigi_k1

Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@ktmcburr

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@BuckyIsotope

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

@TheHyyyype

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

@lmegordon

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

@DearAnyone

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

@Sugar_Pac

I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.