Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Had an epiphany today.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Love this guy