Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.