me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Buying a well is money well spent.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
me after eating Cheetos
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.