Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.