Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

I think the cat got the dog high.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

This pepper has seen some shit

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume