Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.