Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*