ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
