Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Kermit goes Blue.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

I’m ready to try another planet.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.