Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

The “baby” on the left….

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.