Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

The first one, obviously

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

we’re gonna need another temp

I’d love this…lol

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef