Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.