Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

neighborhood watch

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds