Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

dude it’s called proctologist

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.