Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
journal
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I think they could have phrased this better
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?