Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
