Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

These aliens are taking forever.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.