Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”