Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I triple waxed for this?

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

5 ways to appear taller

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

God has abandoned us.

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

Great acting.. 😂

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr