Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

just left a huge legacy in there

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this