Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.