non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
very niche meme I made
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.