Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

smh

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

Important reminders

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

This kid is going places

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane