Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

“you changed” bro i was 15

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

No, you’re not getting it your honor