Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.