Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Seems a bit forward
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.