Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Print is alive and well!!!

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

I hate when that happens.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Netflix My bladder

🤝

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