Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen