Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

me irl

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back