Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Boom, boom, ching!

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.