ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Baller is short for ballerina
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3