ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay