me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I beg you to euthanise me
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
