Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Banana is the quietest snack
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?