Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
You Might Also Like
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
All right then, keep your secrets
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Modded the new Gran Turismo
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
それは草
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Never be a pizza!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,