Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
You Might Also Like
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
still the best tweet of the year by far
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun