Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.