Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Today’s tshirt
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM