Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.