Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
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[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
$4 #usedbooks
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.