Me when I hear gossip
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
happy friday
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
rise and shine we got egg
