Me when I hear gossip
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
i think both sides are to blame here
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles