Me when I hear gossip
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October