Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.