me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
You Might Also Like
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Sure. Why not?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.