me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
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My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
dril cadence
relationship goals
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
who will stop them
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
