me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Every time.
Do I believe in jinxes? Let me put it this way: I dropped and broke a mirror and one month later I was married.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
