me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.