me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’m good, thanks.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba