Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Lmfao

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.