Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

Shoo shoo! 😂

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.