Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Why do meteors always land in craters?

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

Now this is how you LinkedIn

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.