Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.