Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Don’t forget to tip your server

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat