@hellohappy_time

[me when I see a dog walking alone without a leash] exactly who is representing you my lad

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@thomaspluck

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@SwedishCanary

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

@annaetuck

Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@ianpauldukes

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@TheHyyyype

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers