[me when I see a dog walking alone without a leash] exactly who is representing you my lad

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Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.


Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.


When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.


ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home


A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?


[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water


“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers