me when I see my crush
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.