Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

ew if literal: let me be clear

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

well this is just bullshirt

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?