me when i see my girls butt
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI