me when i see my girls butt
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Sheep
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!