Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.