Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…