Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
just arby’s bein’ a bro
