me when i smell free food in the break room
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
boys are so easy to impress
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
fixed it
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
How did we not see this back then?