me when i smell free food in the break room
You Might Also Like
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader