me when i smell free food in the break room
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
WHY would you be happy about this?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
? 💀
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.