me when i smell free food in the break room
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday