Me when I try to be useful
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my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Thinking about Jeff
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french