Me when I try to be useful
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closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄