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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me: