Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

so this horse walks into a bar

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?