me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
he’s doing your taxes
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
i can’t wait that long
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.