me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
You Might Also Like
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s