Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time