Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.