Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?