me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.