Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication