me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Unimpressed
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.