Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.